Expressing Needs Clearly
Most relationship frustration comes from unmet needs—but most people never clearly express what they need. This chapter teaches you to ask in ways that actually work.
Why We Don't Express Needs
Many of us struggle to ask for what we need because:
- "They should just know" (they don't)
- Fear of appearing needy or demanding
- Past rejection when we've asked
- Not even knowing what we need
- Believing our needs don't matter
The result? Unspoken expectations, silent resentment, and partners who genuinely want to help but don't know how.
Key Insight
Your partner is not a mind reader. Expecting them to "just know" sets you both up for disappointment. Clear expression is kindness, not weakness.
The NVC Formula
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) provides a proven formula for expressing needs without blame:
- Observation: Describe what happened objectively
- Feeling: Share how it made you feel
- Need: Identify the underlying need
- Request: Make a specific request
Example: "When you came home and went straight to your phone (observation), I felt lonely (feeling) because I need connection after being apart (need). Would you be willing to greet me with a hug first? (request)"
Blame vs. NVC Expression
Separating Observation from Judgment
The first step is often the hardest. Most of us confuse observations with judgments:
- Judgment: "You're so inconsiderate"
- Observation: "When you didn't call to say you'd be late..."
Observations describe facts without interpretation. They're much easier for your partner to receive.
Practice Observations
Next time you feel upset, ask: "What specific thing happened?" Strip away judgment and interpretation. Start your expression with just the facts.
Owning Your Feelings
Use "I feel..." rather than "You make me feel..."
"You make me feel" implies they control your emotions and puts them on the defensive. "I feel" owns your experience and invites compassion.
"Feelings are information, not instructions. Use them to understand yourself, then express them with ownership.
Identifying Underlying Needs
Behind every frustration is an unmet need. Common relationship needs include:
- Connection and intimacy
- Respect and appreciation
- Security and stability
- Autonomy and independence
- Understanding and empathy
- Fun and playfulness
- Contribution and meaning
Find the Need
When upset, ask yourself: "What need isn't being met right now?" This shifts focus from blame to solution.
Making Requests, Not Demands
A request is something they can say no to. A demand carries consequences for refusal. Requests invite collaboration; demands create resistance.
Good requests are:
- Specific: "Can you text me if you'll be late?" not "Be more considerate"
- Positive: What you want them to do, not stop doing
- Doable: Something concrete they can actually do
- Present: What you need now, not a vague future promise
Key Insight
Requests work better than criticism. "Would you be willing to..." opens possibilities. "Why can't you ever..." closes them.
When They Say No
They might not always say yes—and that's okay. A "no" isn't necessarily rejection. It might mean:
- They need to understand better
- The timing is wrong
- The specific request doesn't work, but the need can be met another way
If they decline, ask: "Is there another way we could meet this need?"
The Full Formula
Write out one thing you need using the full NVC formula: Observation + Feeling + Need + Request. Practice saying it out loud before sharing with your partner.
"Ask for what you want. Let them negotiate. But don't assume they know or don't care.
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