Non-Verbal Communication
Research suggests that 55% of communication is body language, 38% is tone, and only 7% is the actual words. Master the unspoken to truly understand—and be understood.
The 55-38-7 Rule
Psychologist Albert Mehrabian's famous study revealed that when words and tone conflict, we trust tone. When tone and body language conflict, we trust body language.
This means saying "I'm fine" with crossed arms and a flat voice communicates the opposite. Your partner reads the non-verbal signals first.
Key Insight
When your words say one thing and your body says another, your body wins. People trust what they see and feel over what they hear.
Reading Body Language
Open vs. Closed
- Open: Arms uncrossed, facing you, relaxed posture, leaning in
- Closed: Arms crossed, turned away, tense, leaning back
Facial Expressions
- Genuine smiles reach the eyes (crow's feet appear)
- Microexpressions flash true feelings in fractions of a second
- Watch for incongruence between expression and words
Eye Contact
- Strong eye contact indicates engagement and honesty
- Avoiding eyes may mean discomfort or deception
- Looking down can signal shame or submission
Common Non-Verbal Signals
The Power of Tone
Tone carries emotional weight. The same words can mean completely different things depending on how they're said:
- Rate: Fast=excited or anxious, Slow=calm or uncertain
- Pitch: High=stressed, Low=serious or sad
- Volume: Loud=angry or enthusiastic, Soft=intimate or withdrawn
- Inflection: Rising=question or uncertainty, Falling=statement
"It's not what you said; it's how you said it.
Improving Your Non-Verbal Communication
The Congruence Check
Before difficult conversations, check your body. Release tension in shoulders and jaw. Unfold arms. Make sure your non-verbals match your intended message.
Mirror Awareness
Practice in front of a mirror. Say common phrases and watch your face. You may be surprised what expressions you make without realizing.
Reading Between the Lines
When your partner's words and body language don't match, gently name it:
- "You say you're fine, but you seem tense. What's really going on?"
- "I notice you're not looking at me. Is something wrong?"
- "Your tone sounds upset. Can we talk about it?"
This invites honesty without accusation.
Key Insight
Naming incongruence with compassion—not accusation—creates space for real conversation. It shows you're paying attention and you care about the truth.
Cultural Considerations
Non-verbal cues vary across cultures:
- Eye contact norms differ widely
- Personal space preferences vary
- Gestures may have different meanings
- Emotional expressiveness is culturally influenced
If you and your partner come from different backgrounds, discuss these differences openly.
The Observation Practice
This week, during conversations, pay attention to non-verbal signals—yours and theirs. Notice when words and body language don't match. Gently explore the gap.
"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.
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