Active Listening in Conflict
Listening during conflict is the hardest—and the most important. When you hear what's beneath their words, resolution becomes possible.
Why Listening Breaks Down in Conflict
During conflict, your brain shifts into threat mode. You're no longer listening to understand—you're listening to:
- Defend yourself
- Find flaws in their argument
- Prepare your counter-attack
- Win the debate
This is natural, but it makes resolution impossible. Each person keeps making their point while the other tunes out.
Key Insight
When you feel the urge to interrupt and make your point, that's exactly when you need to slow down and listen more.
The Gottman-Rapoport Intervention
This powerful technique ensures both people feel heard before moving to solutions:
- Speaker talks for 2-3 minutes. Express feelings about the issue.
- Listener summarizes. "What I heard you say is..." until the speaker confirms it's accurate.
- Listener validates. "That makes sense because..." (even if you disagree)
- Switch roles. Now the listener becomes the speaker.
Only after both feel heard do you move to problem-solving.
Try Gottman-Rapoport
Use this structure for your next disagreement. Take turns being speaker and listener. Don't problem-solve until both people feel understood.
Listening Beneath the Words
People rarely say exactly what they mean, especially when upset. Listen for:
- The underlying fear: What are they afraid of?
- The unmet need: What do they really need?
- The deeper desire: What do they wish would happen?
- The emotion beneath the anger: Often hurt or fear
When you address what's underneath, the surface issue often dissolves.
"Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
Validation Doesn't Mean Agreement
You can validate their perspective without agreeing:
- "I can see why you'd feel that way"
- "That makes sense from your perspective"
- "I understand how you came to that conclusion"
Validation lowers defenses. Once people feel heard, they're more open to hearing you.
Managing Your Own Reactivity
To listen well during conflict:
- Breathe: Slow, deep breaths calm the nervous system
- Unclench: Release tension in jaw, hands, shoulders
- Curiosity: Shift from judgment to genuine curiosity
- Pause: Before responding, take 3 seconds
The Curiosity Shift
When triggered, silently ask yourself: "What is driving their perspective? What might I be missing?" This shifts you from defense to curiosity.
Reflecting Back
Powerful reflection phrases:
- "So what you're saying is..."
- "It sounds like you felt..."
- "Let me make sure I understand..."
- "You needed X and didn't get it..."
Keep reflecting until they confirm you got it right. This often takes multiple tries.
Key Insight
When your partner says "Exactly!" or "Yes, that's it!"— you've achieved understanding. Only then can real problem-solving begin.
The Gift of Being Heard
Something magical happens when people feel truly heard:
- Their intensity decreases
- They become more flexible
- They're more willing to hear your side
- Solutions emerge more easily
Listening isn't passive—it's one of the most powerful things you can do in conflict.
Listen First
In your next disagreement, commit to fully understanding their perspective BEFORE sharing yours. Watch how the conversation changes.
"The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.
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