The Four Horsemen
Dr. John Gottman identified four communication patterns so destructive they can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy. Learn to recognize and replace them.
The Research Behind the Horsemen
After studying thousands of couples, Gottman discovered that it's not whether couples fight that predicts divorce— it's HOW they fight. Four patterns emerged as particularly toxic.
Important Note
If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, don't panic. Awareness is the first step. Each horseman has an antidote that can be learned.
Horseman #1: Criticism
Criticism attacks your partner's character, not their behavior. It uses "always" and "never" and makes them wrong as a person.
Criticism: "You never think about anyone but yourself. You're so selfish."
The Antidote (Complaint): "I felt hurt when you made plans without checking with me. I need us to coordinate schedules."
Complaints are about behavior. Criticism is about character. One invites change; the other invites defensiveness.
Key Insight
Start with "I feel..." instead of "You always..." This simple swap transforms criticism into complaint.
Horseman #2: Contempt
Contempt is the most dangerous horseman. It communicates disgust and superiority through:
- Eye-rolling
- Mocking or mimicking
- Sarcasm and ridicule
- Name-calling
- Hostile humor
Contempt: "Oh, forgot to take out the trash AGAIN? What a surprise. You can't even handle basic adult tasks."
The Antidote (Appreciation): Build a culture of appreciation. Express gratitude and admiration regularly. This builds a buffer against contempt.
"Contempt is the sulfuric acid of love. It corrodes everything it touches.
Horseman #3: Defensiveness
Defensiveness is the natural response to criticism, but it escalates conflict. It refuses responsibility and counter-attacks.
Defensiveness: "It's not MY fault we're late. You take forever to get ready. What about all the times YOU made us late?"
The Antidote (Responsibility): "You're right, I lost track of time. I'm sorry. I'll set an alarm next time."
Taking even 10% responsibility defuses the situation. You don't have to accept all blame—just acknowledge your part.
Practice Responsibility
Next time you feel defensive, pause and ask: "What's the 2% of this that I can own?" Acknowledging even a small part breaks the escalation cycle.
Horseman #4: Stonewalling
Stonewalling is withdrawal—shutting down, turning away, refusing to engage. It often follows the other horsemen as emotional flooding sets in.
Stonewalling signs:
- Leaving the room without explanation
- Silent treatment
- Monosyllabic responses
- Acting busy to avoid conversation
The Antidote (Self-soothing): When flooded, take a break—but communicate it: "I'm feeling overwhelmed. I need 20 minutes to calm down, then I want to continue this conversation."
Key Insight
Stonewalling often isn't choice—it's survival. The nervous system shuts down when overwhelmed. The solution is managing overwhelm, not pushing through.
The Antidotes Summary
- Criticism → Gentle Complaint: "I feel X when Y. I need Z."
- Contempt → Appreciation: Build a culture of gratitude
- Defensiveness → Responsibility: Own your part, even a small one
- Stonewalling → Self-soothing: Take breaks when flooded, but return
Identify Your Horseman
Which horseman do you tend toward? Which does your partner use? Knowing your patterns helps you catch them faster.
Breaking the Cycle
The horsemen often chain together: criticism leads to defensiveness, which leads to more criticism, then contempt, then stonewalling. Breaking any link breaks the cycle.
The Pattern Interrupt
When you notice a horseman appearing (yours or theirs), pause. Call it out gently: "I think we're heading into criticism territory. Let me try again." Self-awareness is the first defense.
"Happy couples aren't perfect. They just know how to catch themselves before the horsemen take over.
Press ← / → to navigate