Validation vs. Solutions

She shares a problem. You offer a solution. She gets upset. You're confused—you were just trying to help! This chapter explains what's happening and how to respond.

The Classic Miscommunication

This scene plays out in countless relationships:

Her: "I had such a frustrating day. My boss kept interrupting me in the meeting, and then Sarah took credit for my idea..."

Him: "You should talk to HR. Or schedule a one-on-one with your boss to address it directly."

Her: (Sighs) "You don't understand."

Him: (Frustrated) "I'm literally trying to help!"

Both are right. Both are frustrated. And neither feels heard.

Why Solutions Feel Dismissive

When you jump to solutions, here's what she might hear:

• "Your feelings aren't important—the fix is what matters"
• "This is a simple problem you should have already solved"
• "Stop complaining and do something"
• "I don't want to hear more about this"

You meant none of that. But intent isn't everything—impact matters too. And the impact of premature solutions is disconnection.

"

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.

The Validation First Rule

Here's the simple formula that works almost every time:

1. Listen fully without interrupting
2. Validate her experience ("That sounds really frustrating")
3. Ask if she wants input ("Do you want my thoughts on this, or do you just need me to listen?")
4. Offer solutions only if requested

That third step is magical. It lets her tell you what she actually needs—and often, just asking is enough to make her feel understood.

What Validation Actually Sounds Like

Validation isn't agreeing that she's right. It's acknowledging that her feelings make sense given her experience.

Examples:

• "I can totally see why that would upset you"
• "That sounds really frustrating"
• "I'd feel the same way"
• "That's a lot to deal with"
• "I'm sorry that happened"
• "That must have been hard"

These phrases cost nothing and transform everything. She feels heard, her nervous system calms, and paradoxically— she becomes more open to solutions later.

When She DOES Want Solutions

Sometimes she genuinely wants your input! Signs she's ready for solutions:

• She explicitly asks: "What do you think I should do?"
• She's moved from venting to analyzing
• Her emotional intensity has decreased
• She's asking practical questions

The Breakthrough Moment

Something amazing happens when you master this skill: you'll start seeing it everywhere. The same woman who seemed endlessly upset transforms when she finally feels heard.

Men often report: "She only needed 10 minutes of listening, and then she solved it herself and was completely fine. I didn't do anything!"

Wrong. You did everything. Your listening was the solution.

"

Sometimes the bravest thing a man can do is sit with her pain without trying to make it go away.

Your Breakthrough Practice