Understanding Polarity
Beyond gender, there are masculine and feminine energies that exist in all of us. Understanding polarity—the dynamic tension between these energies—can reignite attraction and deepen passion.
The Physics of Attraction
Like magnetic poles, masculine and feminine energies attract each other. When one partner embodies more masculine energy and another more feminine, a natural charge emerges between them. This isn't about gender roles—it's about energetic dynamics that any couple can access.
"Sexual attraction is based on sexual polarity. All natural forces in the universe are based on the play between two poles. The greater the magnification of both poles, the greater the flow of force."
David Deida•The Way of the Superior Man
Polarity theory, popularized by relationship teacher David Deida, suggests that the "spark" between partners comes from their differences, not their similarities. While emotional intimacy comes from connection and understanding, erotic desire often comes from mystery and contrast.
Key Insight
Polarity creates passion. When couples become too similar in their energy—both stressed, both goal-oriented, both depleted— attraction can fade. Understanding this isn't about stereotypes; it's about the physics of human desire.
Masculine Energy Traits
Masculine energy isn't about being male—it's a quality of consciousness that anyone can embody:
- Direction & Purpose: Clear mission and forward movement
- Presence: Calm, grounded, fully-attentive awareness
- Structure: Creating order, boundaries, and containment
- Protection: Providing safety for loved ones
- Initiation: Taking action, leading, deciding
Feminine Energy Traits
Similarly, feminine energy is available to everyone regardless of gender:
- Flow & Radiance: Adaptability, expression, beauty
- Connection: Deep intuition and relational awareness
- Nurturing: Caring, receiving, and emotional attunement
- Opening: Vulnerability, trust, and surrender
- Life Force: Creativity, sensuality, and aliveness
"Eroticism thrives in the space between self and other. In order to commune with the one we love, we must first be able to tolerate the intensity of the gap between us."
Esther Perel•Mating in Captivity
Everyone Has Both Energies
This is crucial: everyone contains both masculine and feminine energies. The question isn't which one you "are"—it's which one you naturally lead with and when.
- A woman may lead with masculine energy at work, then feminine at home
- A man may access feminine energy when nurturing his children
- Different situations call for different energetic stances
- Sexual attraction often requires a polarity shift from "everyday mode"
Reflect on This
Which energy do you naturally lead with in your relationship? Which does your partner lead with?
Notice: Is there strong polarity between you, or have you become energetically similar?
When Polarity Collapses
Many long-term couples become roommates because polarity collapses. The passion fades not because love fades, but because the energetic tension dissolves. Signs of collapsed polarity:
- Both partners are equally in "work mode" all the time
- Neither creates space for the other to lead differently
- Routine eliminates surprise and energetic contrast
- Both are exhausted and operating from the same depleted state
- The relationship feels safe but passionless
"Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it.
Same-Sex Couples and Polarity
Polarity isn't about gender—it works exactly the same way in same-sex relationships. One partner tends to embody more masculine energy, another more feminine, and the dynamic tension between them creates attraction. The principles apply universally.
The Polarity Assessment
Rate yourself on each energy: On a scale of 1-10, how much do you currently embody masculine traits (direction, presence, structure)? How much feminine (flow, radiance, openness)? Compare notes with your partner.
The Energy Map
- 1Each partner writes down 3 situations where they lead with masculine energy
- 2Write down 3 situations where you lead with feminine energy
- 3Compare notes—where do you complement each other?
- 4Discuss: Where might you both be in the same energy, causing flatness?
Key Insight
The goal isn't to rigidly stay in one energy—it's to be conscious of the energy you're bringing and intentional about when to shift. Masters of polarity can dance between both energies while maintaining their predominant core.
Press ← / → to navigate