The Anatomy of Trust
Trust isn't just believing your partner won't cheat. It's a multi-layered foundation that determines whether you can be truly vulnerable together.
What Is Trust?
Researcher Brené Brown studied trust for years and discovered it's much more complex than we assume. She developed the BRAVING framework:
- B - Boundaries: Respecting each other's limits
- R - Reliability: Doing what you say you'll do
- A - Accountability: Owning mistakes and making amends
- V - Vault: Keeping confidences private
- I - Integrity: Choosing courage over comfort
- N - Non-judgment: Asking for what you need without judgment
- G - Generosity: Assuming positive intent
Key Insight
Trust isn't a single thing—it's built from many small moments. Each kept promise, each respected boundary, each honest conversation adds to the trust account.
How Trust Is Built
Trust is built in small moments, not grand gestures:
- Showing up when you said you would
- Remembering things that matter to them
- Keeping small promises
- Being honest about small things
- Choosing them when it's inconvenient
- Defending them when they're not there
"Trust is built in very small moments.
The Trust Equation
Think of trust as having two components:
Trust = Reliability + Goodwill
- Reliability: They do what they say they'll do
- Goodwill: They want what's best for you
You need both. Someone can be reliable but not have your best interests at heart. Someone can love you deeply but be unreliable.
The Trust Audit
Rate your relationship 1-10 on each BRAVING element. Which areas are strong? Which need work? This gives you a specific trust-building roadmap.
Why Trust Feels Risky
Trusting someone means being vulnerable. It means:
- They could hurt you
- They could disappoint you
- They could betray you
This is why trust is courage. It's choosing vulnerability knowing the risks. Without this risk, there's no real intimacy.
Trust Injuries
Some actions damage trust more than others:
- Major betrayals: Infidelity, major lies, financial betrayal
- Repeated small failures: Consistently breaking small promises
- Emotional unavailability: Not being there in crisis
- Broken confidences: Sharing private information
Even small, repeated violations accumulate into major trust damage.
Key Insight
Trust is built slowly but can be damaged quickly. Guard it carefully. Each time you choose honesty, reliability, or vulnerability, you're making a deposit.
Self-Trust Matters Too
Before you can fully trust another, you need to trust yourself:
- Can you trust yourself to speak up when something's wrong?
- Can you trust yourself to leave if needed?
- Can you trust your own judgment?
Many trust issues stem from not trusting ourselves to handle whatever might happen.
Self-Trust Check
Ask yourself: "Do I trust myself to protect myself in this relationship?" If not, what would help you build that internal trust?
"Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life.
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