Building Trust Gradually
Trust isn't built through grand declarations. It's built through countless small moments of reliability and care.
The Marble Jar Concept
Brené Brown uses the metaphor of a marble jar: every time someone does something trustworthy, a marble goes in. Every betrayal takes marbles out.
The jar fills with small marbles:
- Texting back when you said you would
- Remembering something they mentioned
- Showing up on time
- Keeping a small confidence
- Choosing them over convenience
Betrayals remove many marbles at once, but they're primarily avoided by the consistent adding of small ones.
Key Insight
Trust is accumulated in micro-moments. Don't wait for opportunities to prove grand loyalty—focus on being consistently reliable in small things.
The Trust-Building Behaviors
Keep Small Promises
If you say you'll call at 8, call at 8. If you say you'll pick up milk, pick up milk. These small reliabilities compound.
Be Honest About Small Things
Small lies ("I just left" when you haven't) erode trust fast. If you can't be trusted on small things, how can you be trusted on big ones?
Choose Them Publicly
Mention them positively to friends. Defend them when they're not present. This demonstrates loyalty they may never even hear about.
Share Your Inner World
Vulnerability builds trust. When you share fears, dreams, and struggles, you're trusting them—which invites them to trust you.
The Small Promise Audit
Track every small promise you make this week and whether you kept it. You may be surprised how many you break without noticing.
Transparency Over Time
Especially if rebuilding trust:
- Be proactively transparent about your day
- Share information before being asked
- Invite questions rather than getting defensive
- Explain changes in plans without prompting
Transparency isn't about being monitored—it's about removing the need for monitoring.
"Trust is the glue of life. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships.
For the Partner Who Struggles to Trust
If you're the one with trust issues:
- Notice the positives: Acknowledge when they're trustworthy
- Reward transparency: Don't punish honesty
- Take risks: Trust has to be extended to be earned
- Communicate fears: Share your struggles openly
The Trust Risk
Take one small risk of trust this week—share something vulnerable, choose to believe them without checking, give them the benefit of the doubt.
Time Is Part of Trust
Trust takes time. There's no shortcut. You can't rush someone into trusting you, and you can't force yourself to trust before you're ready.
What you can do is:
- Be consistently trustworthy
- Be patient with the process
- Celebrate small progress
- Keep showing up
Key Insight
Trust is rebuilt at the speed of the person who was hurt. Pressure to "get over it" often backfires. Patience and consistency are the only way forward.
"Trust arrives on foot but leaves on horseback. Rebuild it one step at a time.
Press ← / → to navigate