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Chapter 3 of 7

Insecurity Patterns

Your insecurity patterns likely developed long before your current relationship. Understanding their origins helps you respond to them differently.

Attachment Theory

Your earliest relationships shaped how you approach love and trust. Psychologist John Bowlby identified that we develop "attachment styles" based on how caregivers responded to our needs.

The Four Attachment Styles

Secure Attachment

You had consistent, responsive caregiving. You're comfortable with intimacy and independence. You trust that partners will be there for you.

Anxious Attachment

Your caregiving was inconsistent. You crave closeness but fear abandonment. You may seem "needy" or hypervigilant about the relationship.

Avoidant Attachment

Your emotional needs weren't met, so you learned to be self-sufficient. You may pull away when things get too close or feel overwhelmed by partner's needs.

Disorganized Attachment

Your caregivers were both source of comfort and fear. You may have conflicting impulses—wanting closeness but also fearing it.

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Key Insight

Your attachment style isn't your fault—it developed as survival strategy in childhood. But it IS your responsibility to understand and heal it as an adult.

Anxious-Avoidant Trap

Anxious and avoidant people often attract each other:

The Dance of Anxiety and Avoidance

❌Anxious pursues closeness
✅Avoidant feels overwhelmed
❌Avoidant creates distance
✅Anxious feels abandoned
❌Anxious increases pursuit
✅Avoidant withdraws further
❌Eventually: explosion or exhaustion
✅Pattern repeats in next relationship

Breaking this cycle requires both people understanding their patterns and meeting in the middle.

1

Identify Your Style

Which attachment style resonates most? Ask: "When I feel distance in the relationship, do I pursue more strongly or pull away?" This reveals your pattern.

Healing Insecure Attachment

For Anxious Attachment:

  • Build self-soothing skills
  • Challenge catastrophic thinking
  • Develop independent activities and identity
  • Practice tolerating uncertainty
  • Ask for reassurance without demanding it

For Avoidant Attachment:

  • Practice staying when you want to flee
  • Name your emotions (expand emotional vocabulary)
  • Recognize that needing others isn't weakness
  • Take small risks with vulnerability
  • Communicate before withdrawing
"

We can earn secure attachment at any point in our lives through relationships that consistently meet our needs with care and attunement.

Dr. Amir Levine — Attached

The Path to Earned Security

You're not stuck with insecure attachment. "Earned security" is possible through:

  • Therapy: Processing attachment wounds
  • Secure relationships: Partners who respond consistently
  • Self-awareness: Recognizing patterns as they happen
  • Practice: Choosing different responses
2

Pattern Interrupt

Identify one insecurity pattern you want to change. When you notice it happening, pause and choose a different response—even if it feels uncomfortable.

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Key Insight

Every time you choose security over insecurity—staying calm instead of panicking, communicating instead of withdrawing—you're rewiring your attachment system.

"

You can't change how you were loved as a child, but you can change how you love and are loved as an adult.

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